Monday, November 14, 2011

The 5 Month Mark...OR...The Other "D" Word

Holy Canoli! Seriously... 5 months? Didn't I just do the 6 month post like 3 days ago?  Bride brain is in full effect, but it is also in the midst of an epic battle with stress induced procrastination.  That was a mouthful of words.  In a nutshell, bride brain is the equivalent of your brain turning into swiss cheese.  You can pretty much only focus on wedding related things, and everything else becomes some sort of black hole in your brain.  You forget things, like what day it is, that you're cooking dinner, that you should probably go to work in order to pay for said wedding... yea, it's ridiculous.  I think this is a clinical disease.

As it is, I have a weird sense of procrastination.  Actually, let's back up, stress has a weird effect on me.  It can either make me uber paranoid and focused, so that I knock out projects weeks in advanced, just to get away from the stress. OR, as seems to be the case right now, I get these lovely blinders and just completely forget that I actually need to be doing something.  So those 5 hours I spent watching "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" yesterday are a clear indication I have gone down the wrong path.  I wish I was living in my other paranoid world.  At least then I could feel more confident.

I managed to spend about 3 hours yesterday organizing what I jokingly refer to as "Wedding Central," but is really just my Grandma's idea of Hell (read: dusty clutter pile a 'la hoarders).  Okay, maybe it wasn't hoarder status, more like the stock pile definition from Extreme Couponing: "the only thing that separates hoards from stock piles is dust... a very thin line of dust." haha.  I got so overwhelmed just ORGANIZING the supplies for these projects, that I sort of started at everything for awhile and kept finding reasons to wander into the bedroom to play with Scooter.

Anyway, back to weddings.  I feel as though I am constantly hacking away at this to-do list, and the silly thing never seems to go away.  Just this last week I spent about 4 days on our program inserts.  Just formatting and finding the right font, and figuring out how the pagination was suppose to go.  Why did this have to take 4 days?!?!?!

This brings me to a new revelation about myself:  Delegation in not something I excel at. I have figured out why this is.  Actually, let me back up again.  I cringe when I think of passing off projects to other people.  More then once, or twice... people have asked why I don't get a group together to do projects.  Well, I figured out the answer.  It's two-fold.  First:  I worry that they will not care enough to do the projects the way I want them to.  I am not talking bow tying, because a bow is pretty standard, but I do require a certain level of attention to detail.  This mean getting the sticker as close to center as possible.  Or cutting the ribbon the right size. IE: the same size as the other ribbons.

You laugh, but this has happened to me, and I only have a finite amount of supplies and finances, so I am left with projects that are OBVIOUSLY messed up.  Why would I go to all the trouble to work on things myself, just to do a half-assed job?  Its like punishing yourself for caring in the first place.  And I am the only one invested enough to meet this demand, as I have learned.

Second: people let you down.  This is akin to House's mantra "People lie."  It's simply the truth.  I do not believe this out of some mean spiteful place in people, I simply think its human error.  People in their heart of hearts mean to do well, but inevitably, they let you down.  They don't do what they say they will, they complain when you ask them to follow up on a promise, or as I am learning and which is probably the worst feeling of all, they are so envious of your status that they subconsciously begin to sabotage you.  Seriously, laugh if you will.  Just wait until you get married and watch and see what people start to say and do to you.

I think the combination of these two things has me living in constant fear of having anyone other than my future husband working on projects.  I would hand things off if I could, honest, but this bride brained compulsion, mixed with the horrifying truth of human nature has turned me into an OCD Monster.  I just can't let go.  And I just can't trust people.  This makes me incredibly sad.

During such a happy time in my life, I wish there were more people I felt I could lean on and share things with.  But here's the truth they never tell you: people don't care about you and your life (read: wedding) as much as you do.  PERIOD.  They may humor you, but $20 says they're off in their happy place while you ramble on about invitations and the importance of Scriptina v. Mutlu.  (if you know what that is, you have been a DIY Bride.)  Its not that they don't care about YOU, its just... well after hearing you talk about yourself for 4 hours straight, they need you to be their friend too.  And with bride brain, you just don't remember that.

So perhaps this is why my nearest and dearest have gone into hiding.  Or maybe they are simply preoccupied with their own lives (gasp) but the truth is, when I look around, they aren't around me.  I'm not bitter about this, so please don't read this as a complaint.  This is simply something I can come to learn about myself, and my inability to delegate my Hydra.  I wish I could trust in people enough to hand off the equivalent of my baby, but truth is, when I feel like I found a task to share... there's no one around me to lean on to share it with except the person I'm going to lean on for the rest of our lives.  And that's okay with me.  Even if I have to be a stressball for the next 5 months.

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