Monday, October 17, 2011

Rollercoaster Agenda or A Case of the What Ifs

So I have to apologize in advanced for this post, I've drank quite a bit of wine and was in a pretty stressed out state prior to the wine.  I was hoping it would help me relax, but unfortunately I seem to be a bit more anxious then I started. Arg.

I alluded to the rollercoaster in my last post. In an 18 month engagement the first 12 months feels like the climb to the top.  You're in a constant state of anticipation.  It's sort of like you're waiting your turn to be "actually engaged" because you're wedding's so far away you hear more than your share of the "why are you waiting so long" jokes.  Really, they aren't funny.  You should just keep that one to yourself and go with the "that's such a great time for a wedding" comment.  Goes over a lot better.  You'll thank me for that advice later.

Well... we have gotten to the top.  This is the moment that we've been leading up to.  The moment when you are REALLY engaged.  When all of a sudden you go from having a wedding ages away to just around the corner.  When now, things need and SHOULD be getting done.  I know, in my inner sane self, that many women plan weddings within this period (and sometimes even sooner) but honestly, as a Bride to Be... I don't care about those other women.  Unless I can use their experience and ideas to make my own wedding better that is.  (sorry, but really... other brides know what I mean... its like bridal tunnel vision).  [editors note... typing is getting increasingly more difficult.  I anticipate a series of misspelled words and grammatical errors. You have been warned.]

We have been doing a fantastic job of finding manageable and creative projects to add special and meaningful touches to our wedding.  Honestly, finding things to add isn't the problem.  And Will has been fantastic with helping me accomplish all of my seemingly impossible tasks.  His help has made my estimate completion time seem like a joke.  I love how involved he has been.  This really is our day, and our little touches and hours of brainstorming are really in every bit of our day.  I hope our guests take a moment to appreciate it.  Hell, I hope WE can take a moment to appreciate it.  I am so excited that we are in this part of our lives together.  I try to remind myself to take deep breathes and enjoy it.  Life it rough.  I'm stressed out.  Work is hard.  BUT, I'm engaged.  This is a once in a lifetime state, well... planning for a wedding the first time is, at least.  I want to enjoy all these decisions and projects (and for the most part... closet instance aside I do) but damnit I am tired.  And anxious.  And stressed the F out.  I am soooo tired of worrying about money.  I am tired of worrying about whether my dress is going to fit and if I will look good in my picture.  I want us to look natural and in love.  What if we look awkward?  What if our guests think that our wedding sucks?

And why do I care so much?  Its an endless cycle of crap that circles in my mind.  You show any sign of weakness, and you are devoured by your insecurity.  I wish I could turn the bride brain off for just a few hours.  I want to just be Megan for awhile.  I feel like I have handled my planning process well.  Spread things out and tackled projects well in advanced. But somehow, and I don't know how the calendar pulled this one, time still snuck up on me.

Well, lets just hope the ride down is as thrilling and fun and amazingly fantastic as the last 12 months made me feel like it would be.

Enough drunken complaining for now.  And please don't let the stress fool you.  I am excited, and I want to do all of these projects I've taken on.  I just hope you guys notice these details and I'm not jumping through these hoops for nothing! (who am I kidding... I would do it anyway.)

XOXO (although the SOS I typed on accident also seems appropriate) Wino Megan

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